


Felonious Herbology

by yaakov



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: "Herbology", Gen, Humor, Marijuana, Not Britpicked, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:03:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5697712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaakov/pseuds/yaakov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ernie Macmillan is appalled to discover an illegal plant growing in the 5th year boys’ dorm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Felonious Herbology

**Author's Note:**

> I'm certain poor Ernie doesn't _always_ fail so hard at prefecting.

They were herded into the fifth year boys' dorm without explanation. Cadwallader, pale but impassive, was followed by Summers and Summerby, one of whom looked terribly confused. Justin Finch-Fletchley trotted in next, trying not to meet anyone's eyes, and careful to step over Zacharias Smith's languidly outstretched legs.

The door shut with a tidy slam, and the five boys were faced with their zealous prefect.

"I am appalled," Ernie announced. He stood with his chest puffed out like a general, his badge polished and gleaming. "It has come to my attention that some of you are harboring forbidden goods in your dormitory and that the others of you are likely in willing collusion."

Summerby blinked.

"Wha?"

"You are hiding something that could get you expelled."

"Expelled?" exclaimed Summers. "But it's only a little plant, Ern!"

"Yes," Ernie thundered. "A 'little plant' with no magical properties whatsoever that has been expressly forbidden at this school since 1928."

"Some Muggles say it has medicinal properties?" offered Summers.

"Furthermore," Ernie barreled on, "it is widely known to cause distraction, laziness, and decreased productivity."

"Now, c'mon. That's just its poor reputation," huffed Cadwallader. "I've got good marks, and I even play Quidditch. You can't call _me_ lazy."

Zacharias Smith interrupted with a loud sigh. "Why am I here again? This is Cad and Summers' little project."

Ernie rounded on him. "Because you clearly knew about this and said nothing!"

"I didn't know anything," said Summerby feebly, but everyone ignored him.

"Yes, Ernie," Zacharias drawled. "I knew that my dormmates had a tiny but flourishing cannabis plant in the wardrobe, but as it was none of your business, I didn't think to tell you."

"It is Ernie's business," Justin said quietly, and Ernie swelled with pride. "He's one of our prefects, so it's his job to enforce the rules."

Zacharias snorted. "Ah, the rat emerges."

"Thank you, Justin," Ernie said solemnly. "Now, as much as it pains me, I will have to bring this to our Head of House. She'll decide how this proceeds."

A giggle escaped from Summers, which quickly spread to the others.

"Just picture it," gasped Cadwallader. "Ernie marching up to Professor Sprout with a plant and expecting her to throw the growers out of school!"

Summers cleared his throat. "I present you with this fine plant, Professor, expertly grown and ripe for enjoyment. Won't you please expel the very talented Cadwallader?"

Zacharias snickered, and even Justin had to fight back a grin.

"Now, really!" Ernie bristled. "Do you think Professor Sprout would be proud of you for growing this useless and _illegal_ plant? You've brought shame upon this house. Can you imagine what Helga Hufflepuff—"

"I'm going to ignore the obvious pun here," muttered Zacharias.

The other boys howled, and Ernie threw his hands up. "Unbelievable."

"Look, Ernie," said Cadwallader. "Don't do anything rash, all right? We'll get rid of it."

"And just how do you plan to do that?"

Summers shrugged. "Well, we can't just toss her out...."

"I reckon I wouldn't mind helping," offered Zacharias.

Ernie shook his head. He paused for a moment, red-faced and deep in troubled thought. "I will consult an elder prefect," he finally said, "and together we will decide how to inform Professor Sprout. But in the meantime—"

Zacharias waved a hand. "Don't worry, Ernie. Even these blokes can't smoke an entire tree in one afternoon."

Summers snickered. "You've never seen Cadwallader...."

"Enough!" shouted Ernie. "I am going find another prefect _right now_ , and if you even think about engaging in forbidden activity, then you're only making it worse for yourselves."

With a final furious stare, Ernie stormed from the room, his robes billowing out impressively.

Slowly, the fifth years turned to Justin, who turned rather pink.

"I'm sorry I said anything," he mumbled. "I overheard you talking, and I thought if it got out, we might all get into trouble."

Summers patted his shoulder. "It's all right. We know Ernie's a bad influence on you."

Cadwallader considered Justin and nodded slowly. "I reckon you're not so bad. Fancy a toke?"

Justin laughed nervously. "I'd better not."

"Suit yourself," said Zacharias.

"And you?" asked Cadwallader. "You've never been interested in smoking before."

"I've never already been in trouble before," complained Zacharias. "You'll have to teach me how to do it properly."

"It would be our pleasure," said Summers. "Just don't get paranoid, yeah?"

Finally, Cadwallader turned to their last dormmate, who'd been mostly silent. "Summerby?"

The uneasy boy lifted a shoulder. "Might as well?"

"Good lad," said Cadwallader, moving to the wardrobe.

Justin watched the door warily. "I'm sure you all won't get _expelled_ for this. Right?"

"Nah," Cadwallader assured him. "Just pleasantly baked, that's all."

And so they did, in the comfort of their cozy dorm through the haze of a sunny afternoon. Justin didn't care for the smell of it, but he had to admire the dedication with which the plant had been grown and harvested. He smiled as the other boys enjoyed the fruits of their hard work. From the glass yellow pipe rose a pleasing sense of community, but Ernie would return soon enough and put a stop to it—unless, of course, this community turned out to be much larger than expected....


End file.
